PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Volume 93
December 24th 1887
edited by Sir Francis Burnand
THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.
From Old Morality.
"Here comes a young fellow of excellent pith,
Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith."
Dear Toby, Ahoy!
Where are you bound? Haul on the bowline; brace upamidships; sling your hammock; belay all hands andstand by ready to pounce.
Excuse this little outburst. The fact is, I am about to cutfor awhile landlubber associations, and am going cruisingin my Pandora's box, or rather berth. My sea lingo isgetting a little rusty, so I practise it wherever I have anopportunity, and thought you wouldn't mind my makingone with you. I am going off to spend Christmas and NewYear's time at Pau. You've heard of Pau, of course? Iwas first attracted to the place by coming across the beautiful line fromGoldsmith—or was it Bacon?
"Or by the lazy Scheldt or wandering Pau."
I'm not at all drawn towards the Scheldt. I never was lazy myself, and haveno sympathy with laziness in others. But it is different with Pau, don't youknow. I have been tied to the desk too long. I had a heavy time of it duringthe Parliamentary Session. They used to chaff me about being "on the pounce."It is all very well, but the attitude is one which, preserved through successivenights, becomes exhausting. I have had enough of it, and feel a strong desireto wander. The Pau is wandering. Why should we not wander together, armin arm as it were? Anyhow, I mean to try. So bear a hand with your lee-scuppers;haul round the mainmast, up with your hatches, and keep the helmhard down on the South-West-by-East-Half-East. I have pounced enoughon the Parnellites. Now I shall pounce on Pau.
I feel the necessity for taking a good rest, for I know we are going to have itpretty stiff next Session. B-lf-r, who is getting more cocky than ever, goesabout comforting us with assurances that he will make matters smooth. "Isthere anyone particular you can't abear?" he said to me only yesterday, withan annoying air of patronage. "Is there anyone of the Irish Members youwould like put out of the way for the earliest and freshest months of theSession? If so, name your man, and I'll oblige you. I have got six of 'emlagged now, and there's a clear six weeks before Parliament meets. It'samazing how we can smooth the way by then."
I don't altogether like this solicitude on the part of B-lf-r for makingsmooth water in the House next Session. There is a persistent rumour aboutthat he thinks he can lead the House better than anyone else, and that theMarkiss is inclined to humour him. He has never said this in private conversationwith me, though he has not made any attempt to disguise his convictionthat he could take charge of the Army, the Navy, the Home Office, the Boardof Trade, or even the Exchequer. Now I come to think of it, he may, in talkingto G-sch-n, leave out reference to the Exchequer, and substitute the Leadershipof the H