I and My Chimney
By Herman Melville
I and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the country. We are, Imay say, old settlers here; particularly my old chimney, which settles more andmore every day.
Though I always say, I and my chimney, as Cardinal Wolsey used to say,“I and my King,” yet this egotistic way of speaking, whereinI take precedence of my chimney, is hardly borne out by the facts; ineverything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking precedence of me.
Within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney—a huge, corpulentold Harry VIII of a chimney—rises full in front of me and all mypossessions. Standing well up a hillside, my chimney, like Lord Rosse’smonster telescope, swung vertical to hit the meridian moon, is the first objectto greet the approaching traveler’s eye, nor is it the last which the sunsalutes. My chimney, too, is before me in receiving the first-fruits of theseasons. The snow is on its head ere on my hat; and every spring, as in ahollow beech tree, the first swallows build their nests in it.
But it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is most manifest.When in the rear room, set apart for that object, I stand to receive my guests(who, by the way call more, I suspect, to see my chimney than me) I then stand,not so much before, as, strictly speaking, behind my chimney, which is, indeed,the true host. Not that I demur. In the presence of my betters, I hope I knowmy place.
From this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even think that Ihave got into a sad rearward way altogether; in short, from standing behind myold-fashioned chimney so much, I have got to be quite behind the age too, aswell as running behindhand in everything else. But to tell the truth, I neverwas a very forward old fellow, nor what my farming neighbors call a forehandedone. Indeed, those rumors about my behindhandedness are so far correct, that Ihave an odd sauntering way with me sometimes of going about with my handsbehind my back. As for my belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain itis, I bring up the rear of my chimney—which, by the way, is this moment beforeme—and that, too, both in fancy and fact. In brief, my chimney is my superior;my superior by I know not how many heads and shoulders; my superior, too, inthat humbly bowing over with shovel and tongs, I much minister to it; yet neverdoes it minister, or incline over to me; but, if anything, in its settlings,rather leans the other way.
My chimney is grand seignior here—the one great domineering object, notmore of the landscape, than of the house; all the rest of which house, in eacharchitectural arrangement, as may shortly appear, is, in the most markedmanner, accommodated, not to my wants, but to my chimney’s, which, amongother things, has the centre of the house to himself, leaving but the odd holesand corners to me.
But I and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather obese, we may haveto expatiate.
In those houses which are strictly double houses—that is, where the hallis in the middle—the fireplaces usually are on opposite sides; so thatwhile one member of the household is warming himself at a fire built into arecess of the north wall, say another member, the former’s own brother,perhaps, may be holding his feet to the blaze before a hearth in the southwall—the two thus fairly sitting back to back. Is this well? Be it put toany man who has a proper fraternal feeling. Has it not a sort of sulkyappearance? But very probably this style of chimney building originated withsome architect afflicted with a quarrelsome family.
Then again, almost every modern fireplace has its separate flue—separatethroughou