Good Stories
REPRINTED FROM
THE LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL
OF PHILADELPHIA
1907
Warding Off a Catastrophe
A fat woman entered a crowded street car and, seizing a strap, stood directlyin front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she lunged againsthis newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his toes.
As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
“You are very kind, sir,” she said, panting for breath.
“Not at all, madam,” he replied; “it’s not kindness;it’s simply self-defense.”
Not What She Expected
A charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and won by a physician. Shehad children. The wedding-day was approaching, and it was time the childrenshould know they were to have a new father. Calling one of them to her shesaid: “Georgie, I am going to do something before long that I would liketo talk about with you.”
“What is it, Ma?” aiked the boy.
“I am intending to marry Doctor Jones in a few days, and—”
“Bully for you. Ma, Does Doctor Jones know it?”
Of Course
The morning class had been duly instructed and enlightened upon the subject ofour national independence. Feeling sure she had made a real and lastingimpression with her explanations and blackboard illustrations the young teacherbegan with the usual round of questions:
“Now, Sammy Smith, where was the Declaration of Independencesigned?”
Sammy, with a shout of glee: “At de bottom,ma’am—that’s what you said!”
He Had Certainly Met Him
A traveler going to New Zealand was asked by a friend if he would inquire,while there, as to the whereabouts of the friend’s grandfather, JeremiahThompson.
“Certainly,” said the traveler, and wherever he went he asked fornews of the ancestor, but without avail.
One day he was introduced to a fine old Maori of advanced age. “Did youever meet with an Englishman named Jeremiah Thompson?” he asked.
A smile passed over the Maori’s face. “Meet him?” herepeated. “Why, I ate him!”
No Place Like Home
A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter’s gate he was askedthe usual questions:
“What is your name, and where are you from?”
The answer was, “Mr. So-and-So, from Boston.”
“You may come in,” said St. Peter, “but I know youwon’t like it.”
She Felt Bad When Well
An old lady, really quite well, was always complaining and “enjoying poorhealth,” as she expressed it. Her various ailments were to her the mostinteresting topic in the world. One day a neighbor found her eating a heartymeal, and asked her how she was.
“Poor me,” she sighed, “I feel very well, but I always feelbad when I feel well, because I know I am going to feel worse afterward.”
Drove Him Mad
They took him to the sanatorium moaning feebly: “Thirty-nine,thirty-nine.”
“What does he mean by that?” the attendant inquired.
“It’s the number of buttons on the back of his wife’s newfrock,” the family doctor explained.
Tweedledum or Tweedledee
Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important city. TheMayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor leaned over andtouched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, “Shall we let the people enjoythemselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now?”
It Was Mary’s Own Idea
“Did you mail my letter, Mary?” asked her mistress. “It wasan important one, you know.”
“Yis,