THE HAPPY HOMICIDE
BY FRANK BANTA
It's not so bad, being on trial for murder.
Of course, it's a little embarrassing—when
the principal witness is the corpse!
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from
Worlds of If Science Fiction, March 1962.
Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that
the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
Attendants pushing an ambulance cot wheeled what was left of murderedFannie Bork into the center of the courtroom. The body was covered witha white sheet, except for the long, slim feet which were sticking out.Her toenails were painted red.
Forty-year-old John Bork listened while the prosecutor read theindictment against him: "—and the same John Bork did on the twelfthday of March, 1986, fire a pistol at his wife, having then and there along preconceived desire to kill her, and then and there did achievehis felonious intent, and did murder the same Fannie Bork."
"John Bork, you have heard the indictment," stated the judge formally."How do you wish to plead: Not guilty, no contest, or wait and see?"
"I'll wait and see, your honor."
"I thought you would," sighed the judge. "We haven't had a straightnot-guilty plea in ages. Proceed, Mr. Prosecutor."
"Roll in the Very Complicated Monstrous Proximilator machine,"commanded the prosecutor. Two burly laborers, panting, rolled themachine on its creaky casters across the court room floor to Fannie'shead. The machine was six feet tall, three feet wide, and twelve inchesdeep; on its face were forty-three meters and an on/off switch.
The laborers plugged the machine's line cord into an outlet and got outof the way.
The prosecutor flipped the switch from off to on. Then he folded hisarms and waited until all the forty-three meters ceased their dancingand went back to zero. That done, he turned to the jury.
"In this machine rests the proof of the crime charged against thedefendant," he said dramatically, patting the smooth gray side of themachine. "This machine will tell you all you need to know about themurder. Oh, to be sure, I shall show you the corpus delicti presently;but why and how this crime was committed shall be revealed only bythis machine's stimulation of the deceased's brain. She will herselfrelate who her killer was!"
There was a shocked gasp from the jurors and the spectators in thecourt room when the prosecutor pulled back the sheet from the body,uncovering her head and chest. "The jury will note that the governmenthas removed her skull down to her eyebrows so that we could contact herbrain's recordings with the machine's probe. The jury will also notethe four bullet holes in the deceased's chest, which we intend to provewere put there by John Bork."
"I missed twice," said John Bork, nodding.
"Silence!" shouted the suddenly enraged judge. "This court dependsentirely on the Very Complicated Monstrous Proximilator machine forits evidence." He turned to the jury, still seething. "The jury willcompletely disregard the defendant's utterly uncalled-for admission.Proceed, Mr. Prosecutor."
The prosecutor fastened the ground cable of the machine to Fannie's bigtoe by means of an immense alligator clamp. Then taking the bulbousradio-frequency probe in his hand he said portentously, "Now we shallsearch for the memory-recording of Fannie Bork's moment of death!"
He touched her brain lightly with the probe.
Those seeing it for the first time were chilled by the dead body